DON'T BE A TURD ON CHRISTMAS
by The Fruitcakes

I have something to say to all the people in the stores
to all the folks on the street treating others like whores
I have a piece of advice for the people who believe
they can act like an asshole and Santa won't happen to see:

DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas
Be kind to everyone I must insist
Don't bitch moan or fuss, don't be a rude cuss
or Santa will cross you off his list
DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas

I'm sick and tired of all of you folks
whose tiresome chatter makes me want to choke
During this beautiful holiday season
I'll wear a smile and pretend I'm not seething
with rage and desire to scream and to shout
that shopping is not all Christmas is about

DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas ...

I'm annoyed by the jerks who push in line
who won't wait their turn and who won't read the signs
that say "No Layaway, No Exchanges, No Return"
and instead ask the cashier whose unconcerned
You're wasting my time on this brisk winter day
so let's all think about Jesus and pray

DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas ...

Turn off your cellphones you insensitive pricks
Stop driving like maniacs and being such cynics
Christmas is magic, it's love, and it's joy
so remember how much you want that special toy
you asked for from Santa whose watching you now
whose making his list and sees you being a cow so

DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas ...

Santa is merciless, unforgiving, and cold
to people like you who have rotten souls
So boys and girls, what have we learned?
Being nice will get you all the gifts you have earned
Don't be a turd on Christmas or else
death will be slow when you're eaten by elves

DON'T BE A TURD on Christmas ...

Lyrics and vocals by Maria Thomas